A walking grievance
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| Written by bastiaan | |
| Tuesday, 06 July 2010 | |
A Walking GrievanceOnce in passing me someone told me I was a walking grievance. This two second confrontation shook me to the core. Even though I had supposedly given my life to living the message of A Course in Miracles, I still believed everyone around me forced me into all these involuntary situations. I was always in resentment.Until this confrontational moment I had had no real part in my grievances. They were all justified, the blame lay on others and I was innocent. The insightful remark linked me to the grievances I was holding. Now I was in on them; I was the one who walked around with them, and I was the one they stared back at. Everything felt wrong. Although the Course offers a wide variety of exercises to release grievances, I make exceptions in the application of the ideas these exercises offer. Some grievances slip by me unrecognized as grievances. Other grievances stay put because I justify them within the situation. I do not address grievances when I sense a threat to my self identity, to what I believe about myself, to my way of life. Advanced in my years of Course study I thought to have gained some credits. I was full of spiritual pride. I was distressed by the remark, to say the least. Obviously people had seen me walk around with this heavy carry-on bag loaded with grievances. I wanted to keep them close so I could reach and use them for any suitable occasion. Now somebody had dragged my bag away from me and spilled its contents all over the hallway. What a mess. I was left feeling like an asshole. I had attributed this lack of love for myself to the limitations others had placed upon me. I knew I could not be the grievances themselves; but somehow I had let them define me. I had talked the talk not walked the walk. How to get rid of or even how to become willing to rid myself of these grievances I did not know. What I did know was they were sabotaging my every relationship and opportunity at wholeness. Aware of the anger in me, though not knowing how to control it I would vent it or I would turn in on myself by becoming cynical or depressed. I needed structural help. I needed to take some real time to work on myself. I heard about the twelve step program and knew that some of my fellows were practicing the steps side by side with A Course in Miracles. Once before, I had taken a fourth and a ninth step which had helped me to release some major guilt issues, but never again had I regarded it as something I would need unless I was really desperate. This time I did need it and welcome it. I came to know it as a divinely structured program with an unfailing progression of steps in which I could thoroughly work through all my grievances and defects of character. I received the invaluable guidance of a sponsor. The program; steps, sponsor and meetings enabled me to go a new distance. The fourth step of AA says ‘Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves’. It is a thorough example of the turn around the 12 steps, when you work them, will bring about. Thanks to this step my thinking slowly turned around. In a first column I wrote down all of my resentments along with my justifications for them. I put the grievances on paper without having to censor myself. Seeing them in black and white helped me to see the stories I was telling. In a second column I wrote how I felt by what I thought had been done to me. Thus I discovered and exposed some underlying beliefs I had about myself. Next thing was to ask myself what I was afraid of. The big book of AA says that fear is a corroding thread, the fabric of my existence. With this knowledge I could see my existence was nothing more than a limited experience of the world filtered through resentments that in their turn were caused by an underlying fear. For each of the resentful scenarios I took stock of, my sponsor asked me what would happen if what I feared came true. Asking this question for each of my fears undid them. There was no more reason to keep them in place. I was led back to the fundamental summation of A Course in Miracles; “Nothing real can be threatened. Nothing unreal exists. Herein lies the peace of God.” I was left with the peace of God. Writing down my resentments how I felt and all I was afraid of had a cleansing effect. A major amount of fear and anger was removed thereby. And because of the loss of fear I could finally start looking at my part in all the drama. I sat at my kitchen table accompanied by the Holy Spirit. I felt responsible for all the situations I thought had caused me to suffer. I had been a walking grievance but now I honestly assessed the difficulties I had had in my dealings with people and places. A humbling experience it was indeed, to look directly at all my own selfishness and self centeredness. I was ready for the next steps to be taken. I was freed and felt open towards an intimate relationship with my self and with God my creator. |
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| Last Updated ( Tuesday, 06 July 2010 ) |
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