I am the Way, the Truth and the Life
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| Written by bastiaan | |
| Tuesday, 06 July 2010 | |
I am the Way, the Truth and the LifeThe promise of a life lived in truth was made to me when I saw this sentence on a billboard at a train station platform: “I am the Way, the Truth and the Life”. This famous proverb declared and advertized devoid of commercial clutter.Although averted to religious indoctrination, this short sentence rang true to me. It is an ageless and disarming reminder of the truth. Beyond the mere words, the message resounded as a trusted voice in my head. It gave me comfort and a sense of direction. My life was out of control, and I was the last one to know it. All the signs were there, a broken relationship, failed studies, a disapproved internship and too much drink and drugs. Eventually, I almost killed someone in an accident while holding a job at a glass print shop. Interactions with friends and family indicated something had gone wrong in my life, and I needed help. In a journal, I started to write down the complex and painful scenarios that were playing out in my life. The darkness of my destructive actions and reactions became evident on that bright white paper. I realized I had lost my sanity. I felt unmanageable and unable to guide my own life. Feeling depressed and isolated I got down on my knees and in big letters scratched “Help” in my journal. Until then, writing had proved a valuable tool to depict my personal condition; now it marked this desperate moment which became my turning point. Taking a shower, I felt cleansed; a sense of purity came over me. As the water came out of the showerhead, a light shined into my mind. It was soothing and it put me at ease. I recognized the presence of this light as Jesus. No words were spoken; the communication was intimate, more intimate than a conversation would have been. The encounter reinstated a natural sense of wholeness and innocence within me. I gained a new sense of wonder that came with a strong feeling of direction and purpose. I miraculously met a woman, one night, when I was performing with my blues duo. She stood out from the drunken and self involved crowd that normally attended our concerts. She oozed a particular certainty, which caused me to trust her enough to open up. Something told me she could help me. We exchanged numbers, and I called her first thing after sobering up the next day. I was excited and followed up on what had just dropped into my lap. The woman turned out to be at home in various kinds of alternative therapy, and was willing to take me on as a new project. She made a custom made hypnosis tape and sent me home. I played it every night when I went to bed. I was exhilarated about the quick results. The help she gave was intuitive and took place in an environment of mutual love and trust. I learned about the power of suggestion and started to play and experiment with the world around me. Suddenly I felt everything in the universe was possible. Given wind and wings, I began to live as if for the first time. My relationships were changing. I became honest and direct. I felt a lot of power in sorting out my relationships with friends, ex-lovers and family. Even physically, I changed. Being the tall guy that I am, my stance used to be a little bent with my head facing down. I think I was afraid of standing out too much. Now I started to walk up straight and felt a pride and certainty I never had before. After 5 or 6 sessions, I felt open and free and no longer felt any obstacles to the energy now flowing through my body. At ease, I came home and lay down on my bed. Learning I always receive what I ask for, I asked a daring question: My body is healed and now what? This question led a cosmic power to surge through my whole body, encompassing it and far exceeding its limits. Though wholly conscious of the event, I lost control over the body and was no longer contained by it. The vast nature of God’s universe was revealed to me, and that I am an integral part of it. The following day my friend told me that his brother’s fiancée was won over by some movement called A Course in Miracles. I immediately knew that I had to go there. We drove out to Amsterdam soon after, and I heard a guy read ‘For They Have Come’ from the text of A Course in Miracles. And when they asked me how I got there, I declared, “I heard the call and I answered”. After this cosmic experience and my first miracle session, I continued slipping back into my illusions. The experiences I had were real and irrevocable but I wasn’t quite ready to give up my worldly attachments. After occasionally reconnecting with the light and the Course in Miracles teachers, a few years later I used it all up. Caught between the two worlds became too painful. I wanted out. But for that I had to step in, to commit to the transformation that wanted to complete itself in me. I traveled to Switzerland for A Course in Miracles Intensive. The event was hosted in a house high up in the Alps where I camped in a tent outside. That night I would not sleep. I received a lot of light that day and that pushed me further in my darkness. I felt dislodged; I got out of my tent and wandered around. I could see only the stars. It was my dark night of the soul. I was dying; I felt an immense pain in my body, nobody was around or awake, and I had nothing to hold onto. It was terrifying and extremely uncomfortable because I did not understand what was happening to me. I was turned inside out, and none of the signposts from the world I was familiar with accompanied me in this changeover. I was still in shock the next morning. I sat still, didn’t say a word and felt empty. I must have looked pale. But when the teachers from Wisconsin looked at me they smiled. They knew. I was cut off at the root, my shallow existence had ended, and new roots were planted in firm soil. Then the real work started and I was confronted with what I did in my mind. I drew my circle, and all the ways I normally diverted attention from the problem became obsolete. I tended to lose myself to self-pity, doubt and depression. And when I displayed any of these emotional façades, the teachers of God would react in different ways; none of which expected. A woman once laughed right in my face when I sat in a chair feeling sorry for myself. Someone else showed me that I didn’t have to travel through my ‘emotions’ in order to get to the light. The light is my only reality and I don’t have to pay attention to that other stuff. Another beloved brother, on passing by, told me I was a walking grievance. The Master teacher had his own methods; instead of offering a solution to my problem or a remedy to my pain, he would put his finger directly on wounds I didn’t even know existed. And when I had thoughts I was trying to hide, he would say the exact right thing to embarrass, expose, and on a few occasions even devastate me. Eager participation may have characterized everyone’s part in the dramas I played with my former self; these confrontations were profound expressions of love because they didn’t verify me at all. All screws came loose on me; no one seemed even slightly concerned about helping me keep them in place. I didn’t get the reactions I was used to. I was surrounded by minds awake. They saw right through me. I was transparent to them. I would feel insignificant. “No one loves me, no one knows me here”, was my habitual response. But what better ways are there to show me my hidden emotions of unworthiness and self loathing? What better ways, to start reacting from the premise of love within myself. What better ways, to respond without reference to the past and face each situation as it presents itself. What better ways, to come undone. |
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